License To Kill

well here I am in my room here in my cousin's house... Trying to read and review.. so far I dont have a job yet besides baby sitting my niece and nephew... and I stopped finding one since I need to accomplish my changed goals.. yes changed because my first plan is just going here get any kind of job support my family wait for the airforce then finish my 4years in airforce then finally be a licensed nurse.

But when I got here, everything changed... My plans and my goals. It seems that my destiny or something is leading me somewhere I dont know exactly where and why. I have a lot of questions like if this is just a test of how will I respond to changes that come my way or God is just leading me to the right path for me... It is really confusing.

I've talked to my mom about my plans and she's very supportive so I didnt have problems with her. All of the people here is forcing me to get the RN license as soon as possible but hey! I'm not prepared for that its too soon, I got really scared when they talked to me about it besides I don't have that money yet and it will take a longer time for me to wait for the license. So i decided to take the LPN exam first.. yeah Licensed Practical Nurse... and the people here (relatives) are giving me feedbacks like.. "What? why dont you take the Rn first so u will not be wasting money and besides you graduated nursing that's y you should go for the RN''. Thanks to my very supportive BF for motivating me. Love lOve!

As if everything is that easy... I need to go back to my lessons since I reviewed for the airforce just last month... Besides as much as possible I want to use my own money in taking the exam so that nobody will say that "Naku sayang lang pera ko sa pagaaksaya sa test na yan". I know I should think positive, I'm always the one whose telling my friends to be positive with everything and always look to the brighter side. Here I am scared as hell to face failures.

"I'm not Afraid to be Afraid" yeah right. Someday. I only have 2weeks or more to review for my LPN exam isn't that great?? realistic right? oh well Im a genius. GENIUS. (yeah right) Actually i dont have plans to let you guys know but hey I dont have to be scared of what might people think of me or what people might see me as a person. I am who I am and If I will fail, I will fail but that's because I did not do well and not because I dont have the guts to do it. Right?

Besides, I am still lucky. Lucky because I don't need to have problems going in or out of the US which most of my co-nurses major problem in the Philippines. Lucky because I still have few relatives who are being supportive to my plans.

There's a saying that "you can't have everything" Somethings are not that easy to get.

Thank God someone lend me a laptop.. yeah kewl! I can use it for 2months so I can peacefully review here in my room. Thanks to my Cousin's wife co-worker for lending me this laptop.

That's all so guys wish me luck to my adventures!

P.S: We are going to New York tomorrow!!!!!!! yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I am so EXCITED!

Updating

It's really difficult to be away from home especially when you need to deal with people whose trying to control everything.

A day after I got here my Aunt and cousin bought me some stuffs and a cellphone so that they can contact me or call me anytime. I was first staying at my aunt's friend, Auntie Purita. She's so nice to let me stay there. Then @ the mall, I finally got the chance to meet my half brother and he's also so nice. Then we went to the party of my Aunt's friend. I met a lot of people there and all of them know my brother and they keep on saying... "she looks like rodney".

I'm really happy to finally meet him. He's my closest connection to dad. He's really nice to me and i can feel that he's also happy to see me. He even invited us to go to their house yesterday and he cooked all of my favorite food. He was also asking me to stay with him and move in their house but I don't want to be a burden to him since I need to find a job soon and he will be obligated to bring me to work and of course fetch me.

So far, everything is still under my control... STILL. For now, someone is helping me to find a job in hospitals and I'm baby sitting my niece and nephew.

MAYBE FOREVER IS NOT FOREVER AT ALL....

I don't even know how to start this blog I just want to free some emotions that I'm feeling now... Maybe forever is not really forever. I swear if I can only tell my heart to stay deeply in love with you I'll do so but I'm just who I am... I feel what I feel... I can't control everything... I'm just asking for some time (or maybe a lot) for myself and start every dream that I have and you know that.

I know that you want to help me with everything but why not let me do things first on my own and if the time comes that fate will lead us back again then that's it. I still want that feeling back but you are not helping by posting stuffs that will make me feel guilty and I'm not telling you that you're not supposed to get hurt I know that you're hurting I Know that for sure. I just can't explain what I'm feeling. I keep on fighting this feeling from the very first day that it bugged me...

You made me so dependent to yOu that when you left me everything started to be very difficult for me then when days passed by and I got myself back and learned to live life by myself things became much easier for me. Maybe becauseI love the freedom.

You keep on telling me that I can do things I can do whatever I want but when I'm starting to do so you give me that look or the attitude of making me feel guilty that there I am going out with my friends and here you are just sitting in your apartment, nobody to talk to. What should I feel? of course I'm your girlfriend and even if you say I can go do you think I'll choose to leave you behind? You just can't let me even if you say you will.

I have my own dreams too, and I know that I should be happy because I'm every part of yours but see that's the difficult part for me because your affecting mine. I just want you to live your life first and let me live mine for once.

I love you but love is not enough to build a marriage at this early point of my life. You know that I have a big responsibility to my family and I want that to happen first. I only want to be married once.

Please be strong even just for Sean... I know you are and don't try to hurt yourself again you know I'm not worth it. Only time will tell what's going to happen which means the outcome is not in my hands neither yours.

"ginawa ko na lahat ng pagbabago" - You changed yourself for me because that's what you think is right and I'm so proud of what you've become as a person, as a boyfriend, a son and a father. You're a perfect person to love and i hate myself for hurting you... I'm sorry for claiming my happiness back and in the process of taking yours.

I was reading all my previous letters to you and it seems like it's not I who wrote those letters. I can't believe that I will see the pain in your eyes again or even hear the hurt in your voice. I just hate myself for being selfish for being this strong for being self centered for not continuously loving you for not even loving you the you way you love me.

I'm losing two persons at the same time, my best friend and my boyfriend... Please let me keep my best friend with me? I know this is all my fault. I'm the one to blame you did everything you could to make this relationship work. I feel so stupid for hurting you for being the way I am now to you. For making those tears run down to your face again for making you think that life is really unfair...

I also miss those times we had together, every moment good or bad, but reminding me of those will not help to change what I feel now. Don't be sorry for leaving and for trying to make things better for you and you're family. I'm just not the right person to love anymore.

Just let things be for now. We don't know what will happen next...

Second Trip to Guam

wooot... It's been a while since I last updated my blog... ayun... masaya naman ang buhay so far. Nkapag swear nq and nakapg pirma sa airforce kaya no chance for me to backout... when the recruiter told us about the things we need to do when we already got back here in PI, it really made me feel edgy sa mga bagay bagay na pwedeng mangyari in my life... although it would really need a lot of patience because basic training is usually done during October and December so in other words 4 to 6months of waiting here. Then when I was already in the plane going back here daming bagong plans na pumapasok sa isip q hanggang sa hnd ko na alam kung anong gs2 kong gawin hahaha... Like magwork muna for few months sa states while I'm waiting for the air force to call me for basuc. So I asked gracee if she can call Sgt. Rodriguez and tell him about my plans of leaving because I'm afraid that it will affect my status in the air force since my sign in country is here in PI. My cousin will lend me some money for my ticket but I'm still waiting for my recruiters decision if he will let me leave.


Ayun... about the 2nd trip sa Guam... mas Okay kc I have someone with me and we had a lot of fun together! especially the lakwatsa moments and the food trips! We can order food in the hotel but not more than $20 each per meal... ayun katakawan nghati kami sa meal kc super dami ng servings kaya gnwa nmen ng order kami ng maraming desserts! hahahah

Sumakay kami ng mga trolley for $6 whole day na yun ikot ikot sa mga shopping malls... Then pag gabi na punta sa bar sa hotel tpos kunin nmen ung welcome drinks namen then ayun haha nalasing ako dun sa "Sex on the beach" ang tapang d q carry ung lasa but it's cool kc ladies drink tlga... anyway super daming pics and super enjoy naman hnd ako masyado na depress...

Like I said I was going to re take the test and try to get a much higher grade well Thank God because natupad naman prayers ko and I got the list of jobs that I really wanted and they are all medical related. MedyO parang gs2 ko ngang i try ung mga kakaibang jobs pero late na nung naisip ko un! hehe

Nkakabadtrip lang kc nabgyan lng kami ng 30mins to shop sa loob ng base! haller as if nman makakpamili ako ng 30mins! grrrrr... oun okay naman atleast safe trip...

What I like the most dun sa trip eh nung ngfeed kami ng fish as in sa mababaw lang ang daming iba't ibang fish! pero nakkafreak out kc sobrang dami nila feeling ako na kakainin nila hahaha!