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It's really difficult to be away from home especially when you need to deal with people whose trying to control everything.

A day after I got here my Aunt and cousin bought me some stuffs and a cellphone so that they can contact me or call me anytime. I was first staying at my aunt's friend, Auntie Purita. She's so nice to let me stay there. Then @ the mall, I finally got the chance to meet my half brother and he's also so nice. Then we went to the party of my Aunt's friend. I met a lot of people there and all of them know my brother and they keep on saying... "she looks like rodney".

I'm really happy to finally meet him. He's my closest connection to dad. He's really nice to me and i can feel that he's also happy to see me. He even invited us to go to their house yesterday and he cooked all of my favorite food. He was also asking me to stay with him and move in their house but I don't want to be a burden to him since I need to find a job soon and he will be obligated to bring me to work and of course fetch me.

So far, everything is still under my control... STILL. For now, someone is helping me to find a job in hospitals and I'm baby sitting my niece and nephew.

MAYBE FOREVER IS NOT FOREVER AT ALL....

I don't even know how to start this blog I just want to free some emotions that I'm feeling now... Maybe forever is not really forever. I swear if I can only tell my heart to stay deeply in love with you I'll do so but I'm just who I am... I feel what I feel... I can't control everything... I'm just asking for some time (or maybe a lot) for myself and start every dream that I have and you know that.

I know that you want to help me with everything but why not let me do things first on my own and if the time comes that fate will lead us back again then that's it. I still want that feeling back but you are not helping by posting stuffs that will make me feel guilty and I'm not telling you that you're not supposed to get hurt I know that you're hurting I Know that for sure. I just can't explain what I'm feeling. I keep on fighting this feeling from the very first day that it bugged me...

You made me so dependent to yOu that when you left me everything started to be very difficult for me then when days passed by and I got myself back and learned to live life by myself things became much easier for me. Maybe becauseI love the freedom.

You keep on telling me that I can do things I can do whatever I want but when I'm starting to do so you give me that look or the attitude of making me feel guilty that there I am going out with my friends and here you are just sitting in your apartment, nobody to talk to. What should I feel? of course I'm your girlfriend and even if you say I can go do you think I'll choose to leave you behind? You just can't let me even if you say you will.

I have my own dreams too, and I know that I should be happy because I'm every part of yours but see that's the difficult part for me because your affecting mine. I just want you to live your life first and let me live mine for once.

I love you but love is not enough to build a marriage at this early point of my life. You know that I have a big responsibility to my family and I want that to happen first. I only want to be married once.

Please be strong even just for Sean... I know you are and don't try to hurt yourself again you know I'm not worth it. Only time will tell what's going to happen which means the outcome is not in my hands neither yours.

"ginawa ko na lahat ng pagbabago" - You changed yourself for me because that's what you think is right and I'm so proud of what you've become as a person, as a boyfriend, a son and a father. You're a perfect person to love and i hate myself for hurting you... I'm sorry for claiming my happiness back and in the process of taking yours.

I was reading all my previous letters to you and it seems like it's not I who wrote those letters. I can't believe that I will see the pain in your eyes again or even hear the hurt in your voice. I just hate myself for being selfish for being this strong for being self centered for not continuously loving you for not even loving you the you way you love me.

I'm losing two persons at the same time, my best friend and my boyfriend... Please let me keep my best friend with me? I know this is all my fault. I'm the one to blame you did everything you could to make this relationship work. I feel so stupid for hurting you for being the way I am now to you. For making those tears run down to your face again for making you think that life is really unfair...

I also miss those times we had together, every moment good or bad, but reminding me of those will not help to change what I feel now. Don't be sorry for leaving and for trying to make things better for you and you're family. I'm just not the right person to love anymore.

Just let things be for now. We don't know what will happen next...

Second Trip to Guam

wooot... It's been a while since I last updated my blog... ayun... masaya naman ang buhay so far. Nkapag swear nq and nakapg pirma sa airforce kaya no chance for me to backout... when the recruiter told us about the things we need to do when we already got back here in PI, it really made me feel edgy sa mga bagay bagay na pwedeng mangyari in my life... although it would really need a lot of patience because basic training is usually done during October and December so in other words 4 to 6months of waiting here. Then when I was already in the plane going back here daming bagong plans na pumapasok sa isip q hanggang sa hnd ko na alam kung anong gs2 kong gawin hahaha... Like magwork muna for few months sa states while I'm waiting for the air force to call me for basuc. So I asked gracee if she can call Sgt. Rodriguez and tell him about my plans of leaving because I'm afraid that it will affect my status in the air force since my sign in country is here in PI. My cousin will lend me some money for my ticket but I'm still waiting for my recruiters decision if he will let me leave.


Ayun... about the 2nd trip sa Guam... mas Okay kc I have someone with me and we had a lot of fun together! especially the lakwatsa moments and the food trips! We can order food in the hotel but not more than $20 each per meal... ayun katakawan nghati kami sa meal kc super dami ng servings kaya gnwa nmen ng order kami ng maraming desserts! hahahah

Sumakay kami ng mga trolley for $6 whole day na yun ikot ikot sa mga shopping malls... Then pag gabi na punta sa bar sa hotel tpos kunin nmen ung welcome drinks namen then ayun haha nalasing ako dun sa "Sex on the beach" ang tapang d q carry ung lasa but it's cool kc ladies drink tlga... anyway super daming pics and super enjoy naman hnd ako masyado na depress...

Like I said I was going to re take the test and try to get a much higher grade well Thank God because natupad naman prayers ko and I got the list of jobs that I really wanted and they are all medical related. MedyO parang gs2 ko ngang i try ung mga kakaibang jobs pero late na nung naisip ko un! hehe

Nkakabadtrip lang kc nabgyan lng kami ng 30mins to shop sa loob ng base! haller as if nman makakpamili ako ng 30mins! grrrrr... oun okay naman atleast safe trip...

What I like the most dun sa trip eh nung ngfeed kami ng fish as in sa mababaw lang ang daming iba't ibang fish! pero nakkafreak out kc sobrang dami nila feeling ako na kakainin nila hahaha!

I'm Taking the ASVAB not the Board

yes, I'm not going to take the local board for one simple reason. I DON'T NEED TO. A lot of my friends keep on asking me about this. Others call it luck, maybe it is but for me it is more of a blessing because I will not suffer the long wait for VISA applications and a lot of other advantages. You'll surely won't see my name appear on the results of the local board. Anyway, I already took and thank God passed the ASVAB (ARMED SERVICES VOCATIONAL APTITUDE BATTERY) last month but honestly I'm not that proud of the result + I don't like any of the jobs they are offering me or should I say what I'm qualified for so I decided to take another shot. "WALA NAMANG MAWAWALA" all expenses paid. I really believe in the saying that if you pray for something pray for the top! haha Since I was really hungry and nauseous when I took the exam I really prayed hard that night because the results was delayed.. "LORD PLS. KAHIT BASTA MAPASA KO LANG XA..." haha although God is really good that He made my score a little higher than the passing rate, the point is I should prayed more but expect less... I was thinking that there's no way I could pass the exam since I'm not really feeling good when I took it and I had a hard time understanding the questions and also the time pressure and I am really thankful that I still passed the exam.

This weekend I'm leaving again but this time finally, I'm with Grace! yehey! Supposedly with another girl named Cristine but it's not confirmed yet if she will be able to go with us. (HOPEFULLY).

WHY NOT TAKE THE NCLEX FIRST?

First im not (PREFERRED!) prepared haha! I'm really thankful to my relatives who are willing to help me but I just want to do it on my own this time and the Air force is going to be my stepping stone ( If I will pass the exam again). Besides, this is one of my childhood dream to be just like my dad. He wanted a nurse and I am going to be someday and I know he'll be a lot happier if I'm going in for service. I don't know a lot of stuffs yet about the Air force but I'm taking the challenge. They said that Basic Training will going to be really really hard. LIFE is LIFE and like Frank McGee once said "Welcome the task that makes you go beyond yourself."

After graduating TECH school and I'm sent to wherever I will be stationed I'll try to go out and take the NCLEX and if luckily I passed, part time nurse outside the Air Force.

If you're thinking what job do I want, I want to be a Cardiopulmonary Specialist. In God's will, He's the one whose going to decide and the only one in power to lead me and knows what's right for me maybe this time is the right time. Whatever jobs I will be qualified after the second exam I'll take one but this time I'll do my very best!

Losing my bestfriend

Losing him just like that is not really easy for me. He's my everything. Now I don't have anyone I can share my daily thoughts with. Although I have a lot of friends I can talk to it's just different compared when I'm talking to him. I remember one line in the movie "When Love Begins" and I really believe that, it's something like this "Kung magaasawa ka dpat kaibigan mo rin siya kasi ang romansa nawawala pero ang pagkakaibigan nananatili" When we started our relationship we made sure that all secrets are not kept in each other. Even past relationships experiences.
At first, it's really hard to open up to someone you just have a rel with. One secret at a time helps. It's fun that you share stuffs that only the both of you know. I really miss him so much. His love is what's keeping me strong. I love you mahal, I always will...




-Don't worry I understand...

Photoshop Madness...

Some of my frustrations in life is to be an artist! drawing sketches and painting but I guess I don't have the talent so when my cousin introduced photoshop I started reading some tutorials and I can't expalin the excitement it brings me. At least in some way I can fill up the spot in my heart that belongs to this some kind of art. Though I know I'm not as good as some of the graphic artists I know but they do really inspire me in a way... When I am really stressed out about school works before I loosen up by editing and there I am, back in my mood again...
After more than a year of using photoshop I really learned a lot by experimenting and by the help of the tutorials in some sites. It's not really that easy especially when you don't have anyone beside you to teach you step by step. Learning is fun but you also need patience when you want to know something. If you are not that busy and you are really interested that's the right time to start putting efforts to accomplish things. Now, I'm trying to edit different stuffs other than portraits. Trying to beef up my abilities but since I am really busy right now I guess it can wait! The good thing about photoshop is even you don't have a very expensive camera that can took marvelous shots you can still have terrific photos needing just your time and of course hardwork. Other people use photoshop as a past time, sense of fulfillment and some also use their talent as a source of income.

He's Leaving me

Yes. he's leaving me, not leaving in a sense that he's breaking up with me but literally leaving me. He's going to fulfill his dreams and so do I and that's why we need to sacrifice the time spent away from each other. He's going to Singapore and start another part of his life there and hopefully everything will work just fine. I once told him that I don't usually survive long distance relationships though it's not the right thing to say It's just that I want him to know that I will change that thought in my mind to prove how great my love is for him...

I know that he's as scared as hell as I am but we can make it. We made plans together about the future about how life will be in the next 5 years and I will always hold on to that. I can never love somebody the way I love him and I am so sure that NO ONE can Love me the way he does. He's PERFECT for me and my friends and all the people around us know that. I'll really miss him! Everything about him. Preparing breakfast for me, the supermega hug, the hagod, the kamot, EVERYTHING!

It's different now,, I can't be with him even if I want to because he will be very far from me and I can't do anything but to wait for the time that we'll see each other again. See his smiles, his frowns, the way he beat the drums, the way he cuddle me and tickles me, the EMO thing inside him whenever we have small fights. What's left is memories. powerful memories that will help us survive the sad parts of our journey.








I've been funky about things that's happening in my life since I graduated but now I'm seeing light upon the darkness of my way. I make sure that I always look up to God and thank Him for his guidance. Now that I have no reason to stay here I might as well leave the country and start the next step. Now, to be an airman is my first step to success. Hopefully things will be better on my way back to Guam. Praying I could get a slot to be a Cardiopulmonary specialist or any medical related jobs that the Us Airforce will offer me. After the basic training and tech school, I can probably get a chance to take the nclex exam outside air force and if luckily I'll pass I will apply in the hospital outside base as my part time job. Anyway it's just a plan guys... How I wish its as easy as writing all your plans in a sheet of paper and whoooshhh! everything will be just the way you want it. But yeah Life is a journey and you can't avoid hardships and trials in your way up. Thanks to those who prayed and believed in me. Ever since, it's my dream to be just like my dad at the same time fulfilling his aspiration of having a nurse in the family.