MISSSSSSSSSSSSS KO NA XAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4.8.6 12-25-07

weeeee hahaha hnd q na naupdate blog kO la aKO net sa jan pa cgro ako mgkakaroOn ulit.. Belated Merry xmas peoPle! woOot!

nice xmas first time mgcelbrate ng xmas n wla sa bahay >.<
weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

got this while searching for Grey's Anatomy quotes.... here it goes...

“Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it –i don’t know…maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”

and

“Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope the wound that causes it heals. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain. You just have to fight through because the truth is you can’t outrun it, and life always makes more.”

Winter Blues

Still loaded with emotions but trying to figure out how to handle things inside me... I'm not used of feeling this way since my personality doesn't support stuffs like these. Maybe my neurotransmitters are still unbalanced... hahahah (see? Im laughing after stating that I'm feeling a little heavy inside).

Seriously, I want to let this feeling stay for a while but not too long for me to actually realize things. Brag about this feelings within me with friends earlier. Thank yOu for listening gUys... I'm kinda mushy lately but this will pass and just being there with me is enough.

I don't really know what to write, sorry for making my blog kinda dramatic lately... Maybe I'm just trying to get myself busy.

Okay I'm not making sense anymore, I'll try to get some sleep now because I'm already tired and wasted.

Crying day

dO you have moments like this?

Sometimes when days and months passed by that I'm too happy (always happy) because I tend to keep deeply inside my heart all of the sadness that I felt for the past months and I when time comes that I want to let it out, I recall every moment, every fear that I have. lock my room and cry until I can let all negative emotions out in my system. Then another start as if I recharged my emotions and again I'm capable of keeping another set of new feelings maybe positive or negative, even absorb emotions from others.

Sometimes even it's not in my plan, tears suddenly falls from my eyes. I just want to nurse the feeling even just for a moment... I want to feel the pain itself in order for me to make stronger barriers from these emotions. You may think that I'm crazy or what but it's something worth doing.

I don't usually cry for love like when my boyfriend and I, have misunderstandings (which is so seldom to happen) but friends can easily hurt my feelings even just for few words.

Cried 4 times today. 2 times because of Anelle,my friend. We had a little misunderstanding earlier I will not go in to details anymore.

2 times because of family obstacles... yes, I do have a Family ^_^... now I am facing a lot from this category and it really turn down my emotions. haaaiizz... 2 times because the first time is the first realization and the second if I'm not satisfied yet. Like I said, I want it ALL out.

Luckily, my mahal is very supportive... thank you for being responsible, for loving me and understanding every situation that I am being put on... Ur my PERSON.

special thanks also to keneth for being there even just through text I can feel every support that ur giving me ^^


OkAy! enough of the drama...

wonderful day, had a heart to heart chat with che, I really miss her and also anelle two of the most closest friend of mine... Since last sem iI didn't really had enough time to spend with them because all of us were very busy with our studies...

I don't have much friends to count because I'm having difficulty reaching out to others because I'm afraid that they'll misunderstand my intentions and maybe because of a lot of trauma my other ex-friends brought me. Anyway I don't feel bad about that because I treasure each n everyone of them a LOT.

Now, I gaining more of them either of them is true or not I don't care, for me I'll just do my part its for them if they're going to appreciate my efforts or continue to put on masks on their face ^^

School Day Again!

December 12, 2007

Another brand new day for me. When I got up in bed, I think of what this day would offer me? What exact situations will I be put on? Gathered my things and started preparing for school, yes! school duty today which means longer time for discussion. Most of the students find discussions boring and I may not exclude myself, but when I think of many situations in my life that I actually said “If only I had listen...” I usually think of the positive side to motivate myself.

7:30 am ready to go to school because @ exactly 8:00am our school duty will start. Plans for today are drug study reporting, cases reporting, library visit, submission of requirements and quiz. Right there's lot to take for today. I arrived @ school around 7:50am, I bought some snacks to serve as my breakfast because I didn't had one earlier because of the time.

Waited at least an hour for our C.I to arrive, yes she's late but it's okay because it will actually buy us time to do visuals for our reports. We started discussing about our drug studies, and most of the drugs presented was already familiar but some of them put a little more mark on my brain. Some things about the specific drugs which I don't have any idea about. After that we had our 30 items quiz.

Finally lunch time, our C.I provided us 2 hours of break time. When we got back, we had the rest of the plan for today working. We had sharing of experiences some are really funny but I learned from their different experiences shared that happen in our duty days. Some of them are breaking the sterile technique unconsciously, instruments mistaken for another, surgeon's experiences.

From our mistakes gathered, I've learned to put myself in that situation and actually think of possibilities that I should do. At least from what we have experience we were able to reflect to ourselves and formulate reactions to different situations. Our C.I shared her knowledge from our drug discussion until our reporting. She usually adds up information to guide us important things to understand and to help us feed our minds.

Imperfections and mistakes makes us feel that our abilities are not enough but we also have to realize that these also makes up a better person within us.

Frustration

sObrang bUsy Lately, that's why hnd kO naupdate bLog kO last friday and yesterday... haiz! ang yabang yabang kO pa sa previOus blog kO na naOvercome kO na ung fear kO ayun nahilO nanaman akO nung friday... I don't know the reasOn why this kind of tragedy is actually ruining my nursing life!

I don't think na ung blood ung reason kc mahilig pakO manOod ng mga bLoody movies and sinasanay kO sarili kO sa mga ganung bgay through watching C.S.I, Saw, Hostel, mga mOvies na super brutal... Ngyon sikat na sikat nakO sa mga surgeoNs pag nrinig n nila na may nhilO, sasabhn nila "alam ko na si tisay un noh?" yiiihhhh! sobrang nhuhuli nakO sa cases, ang advantage lng sobrang hasa nkO sa scrubbing and gowning dhil lagi ako ngscrscrub ang prob hnd KO ntataPos... help me guys need some advice!

sobrang nakakafrustrate na tong nngyayari sken, I'm thinking na bka anemic akO.. kc dis tym pag tumatagal ung surgery bgla nangangawit na ung paa kO tpos sunod sunod na paakyat ung feeling hnggang sa magblackout na ung paningin kO, tpos pagumupo akO kaagad ngfafade away... kaso panO ko icocontinue ung surgery eh unsterile nkO... haiz! sobrang frustrating, kung ano ano n nga cnsabi ng surgeon like bka daw narape or ntrauma ako nung childhood ko kaya ganun akO... hainaku... lalong hnd nmn ako buntis hahahah

Kahapon naman aun, whole day ksma si mahal dun sa apartment watch ng dvd and kain mode... super borlOg lng hahaha.. enjOy... umuwi akO bahay around 6:30 pm d kO matiis namimiss kO n xa agd sobra.. aun sabi kO sa srili tatpucn kO lng mgagagawin Ko then I'll surprise him! heheheh around 3 am aun sinurprise KO sya ngpunta ako ng apartment... weeeee!

Kanina, ngpunta kami ng arayat, halo-halo ever ang sarap tlga d best halo halO dun and pastillas! wee favorite!!! picture picture dun sa schOoL ng Lola nya hahah... para kming tanga...


ayun msaya nmn weekends super! ayOko ng may pasok wahhahaha!


@all Ragnarokers

senxa na I don't have stuffs to say about my ragna life kc hnd n tlga ako ngoOnLine i have plans pero sobrang busy pa kc sa studies...

SENXA NA KUNG BORING BLOG KO heheheh

If you just look...

"If you just look at all that already exists in your life, all that you already have: unlimited air to breathe, ample lighting to see, music to hear, books to read, stars to dream by, trees to gaze at, floors to dance on, friends to cavort with, enemies to befriend, strangers to meet, woods to walk through, beaches to comb, rocks to scale, rains to cleanse you, rivers to float you, animals to comfort you, you do have to admit, there's more of it than you could ever, ever, ever spend."

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind.
- Dale Carnegie

December 06, 2007

A sunny afternoon, rushing again to get to school. Fixed my hair in the jeepney to conserve time no wonder some of the commuters were staring at me. Maybe a typical irresponsible student they may think. When I arrived in the school, thank God my Clinical Instructor is just starting to check our paraphernalia. My clock is advanced for about 30 mins. and yet here I am always rushing up! After our C.I completed checking us all we waited for at least 15 mins. until finally all of the groups are finally complete. A 15 mins. drive to the hospital, I'm wishing that there will be cases today because I'm the scrub nurse assigned for the first case. The bus suddenly stopped and I asked my C.I where to proceed, she asked us to directly go to the Operating room so there we go. Surprisingly there were 5 cases for today lucky us! Then I immediately put on my scrub suit and I'm kinda anxious about what's going to happen. I thought I was going to handle the thyroidectomy case but when I finished scrubbing and entered the OR room, the Removal of Implant is the one being prepared.

I really got very nervous. My group mates were very supportive that's why I convinced myself that I should do this and finish this task of mine! Fear will always be there if I'm not going to overcome it. So then I go, I waited for my C.I and when she got in, she assisted me again and guided me in the process. All of the people in that O.R were very supportive. Even the surgeon and the anesthesiologist were teasing me. I'm very much overwhelmed and that motivated me that I can do this work! During the surgery I asked the surgeon for how many months did the implants stayed in the patients right tibia, and he answered me that it was place in year 1997 so I was really amazed it actually stayed there for about ten years! Amazing.

The operation ended good, almost. When I'm trying to put the needle of the cut gut to the needle holder I accidentally cut even the thread. I was so nervous that the surgeon might scold me but luckily he didn't do that. All of the return demos that we previously practiced were very helpful to me. Serving the gloves to the surgeon and gowning. I learned to be more careful inside the O.R and always keep in mind the sterile techniques and how to put the needle to the needle holder properly. I also learned to face my fears in order for me to gain knowledge and add up experiences.

We had our break a little late because a lot of surgery were being performed today and we have designated task to do. When we're done, the other half will have their break also. We temporarily replaced their positions, like monitoring vitals signs and stuffs. When all of the cases were finally finished, our C.I instructed us to get dressed because the school bus is already downstairs.

This day was full of experiences. Different tasks made us responsible enough to handle every appointed work designated to each and everyone of us. I will never complain of being tired because at least I know that I'm capable of doing something.

Rest in Peace

In the great scheme of things, what matters is not how long you live, but why you live, what you stand for, and what you are willing to die for.

Rest in Peace my Auntie Disay... She was rushed in the E.R earlier due to difficulty of breathing, my classmates are the one who attended her needs since we are on duty to that hospital. Sadly, I am assigned in the OR and didn't had the chance to personally assist her. Perhaps God don't want me to witness her sufferings... She was revived by my classmates with the help of the doctor of course. I don't know yet the exact diagnosis but my mother told me that even before she is hypertensive and I think that maybe her kidneys are also starting to fail because of her disease condition because the doctor are advising my aunt already to have sessions of dialysis but she refused.

When we are about to leave the hospital, her condition was somewhat stable but when I got home my mother told me that she received a message from my other aunt that she was already dead... I can't actually believe it at first.. So we went to the hospital to see her again... As I stare at her body covered with a white cloth some memories flashed back into my mind... When I was still a little child my cousins and I usually go in their house and play all day... She also usually call me "not not" awtz...

a little prayer...

Eternal rest, grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen.

Publish Post

Tiny bits of my precious Life...

Its been more than 20 years since the day I was born in this world, time really runs so fast.. as I look back on the past tiny memories tickled my thoughts...,


As a child, whenever my aunt or other relatives used to ask me what I want to be when I grow up, i don't really know what to tell them I just blankly stare at them because even I can't answer that question to myself... I start to wonder what do I really want to be someday? that question remained unanswered as I grew up...



My father died when I was only six, I can't even remember if I cried or not... I'm an illegitimate child as I may say because my parents are not married and my dad already got his own family before i was born, there are only few but extraordinary memories he had left me... I'm so grateful to him... i know he really cared for me... he left me with such a great future ahead of me and he's one of my greatest motivator... i Love you dad wherever you are... He gave me the nick name "Snow White" because I'm his little princess and my mother love to watch Snow White when I was still in her womb... I'm already @ my 18 when i had the chance to read some of the post cards he used to send me from places he visits or have vacations when I was still a little child...

My mother had his secOnd husband when I was 8 and had my own little brother @ 10... He's already 11 years old now and he's the best lil bro... We're not that close due to the age gap but atleast he's not badly behaved... He follows orders from me ofcorz hahaha! Seriously, he's a gOod brother to me and a son to his parents.. (my mama and step dad)

I was not born on a rich family, where material things suffice one’s caprices, yet I could say that this family, who cared for me, taught me valuable ideals in life and gave most priceless treasures I could ever have, is more enough than what money can every buy in any market in this world. When my family started to feel how difficult life is and started to have problems regarding financial matters, unpaid bills etc... It really affected me, I was only 14 then... that time I started to dream... Dream of a better future for my family, to give what they desire and what they need... to payback for everything that they've done for me and as a sign of my deepest gratitude for such upbringing... My mom let me decide for myself but still with her guidance and knowledge... @ an early age she gave me the opportunity to be independent with every decisions and be responsible for every mistake...

My mother told me that my father wanted one of his daughter to be a Nurse... since my half sister did not pursue nursing and chose her desired course instead, she was not able to fulfill this dream... This gave me the idea to choose the path of being a nurse... and finally answered my childhood question.. In my 3rd year, I almost fail one of my subject... that made me realize that I really want this profession, this is not only for my father and my family but also for myself... not only to earn a good money abroad...(hopefully) I want to touch people lives... I want to be remembered not just a nurse who give patients medicines, dresses their wounds attend to the Doctor's order, but instead someone who touches their lives and souls...

I finally understand why God didn't grant all my prayers and wishes... He wants me to strive more.. to work hard... to print my destiny and write my own fairytale... few months from now I'll start another life in a place that I'm not familiar of... meet new people, new set of friends, new struggles and difficulties... still the same but BETTER me...

Open Mind

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or
catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

-Dawna Markova