Review

hahah.. ayun e2 review mode, d pko nakakapgpasched ng exam huhu... yeah... yan lng mga yan plus cds mga ngagamit qng review... hnd ko naman kc expect na gnito mngyayari at mageexam pala aq haha.. anyways ayun... time here runs so fast as in! parang 8 hours lng ung whole day q.. wala pkong work nyan... No wonder mga tao d2 walang time sa mga simpleng bagay... 2:30am na d2 d pko natutulog toinkz... miss ko na ang family q, mga tao, friends. Miss na kita pero e2 nnman ba ako. Haiz... sana matapos na lahat ng dpat matapos like tong exam na to kc every night ko nlng naiisip... Kainis bt need pa kc ng CGFNS d2, mas mahal pa kesa mg nclex... toinkz... hahah anyways ayun,,, bored pa rin ako d2 walang makausap kung di ung mga kids... ayun lng.. hehe

nakakatuwa last night kc I had the chance na makachat some of my classmates, louie and clang ngenjoy tlga ako hehehe kakatuwa ung conference namen medyo nakakaalis ng stress.. masaya sana dumami pa mga classmates n ngOOL hahah...

I want.

I just want to live my life alone for now. I don't want responsibilities other than my responsibility to my family. I don't want commitments other than my commitment to God. I don't wanna hurt you anymore. I want to achieve my goals... but I want it my way. I'm not afraid of karma if that's my punishment for hurting you. I want you to not hurt yourself again. I want you to be happy but I'm scared to see you happy with someone else (selfish). I want to take risks. I want to be successful.

-sorry I just want to let it out....

yesterday today

ayun what a tiring day... went to Nomad's yesterday, place na puro arcade games and stuffs... there are mini sports games too... I had fun with the theatre thing and with other games... i also had the chance to play the dance dance revolution again hahah! We used to play that in malls in our highschool days and we were really good but now I don't know what happen! nyahahaha

today, we went to the Rocky Neck resort, 45mins drive. Together with my Aunt, Cousin Deans and Uncle Tim. I had fun.. I LOVE BEACH! the water is sooooo COLD as in COLD ICE COLD SEA WATER! yeahh... super mega sunblock galore! Ayun may nakakalokang moment pa, suddenly the lifesaver is requesting for all the people to get out of the water... "ALL OF YOU, GET OUT OF THE WATER NOW!" my Gaaadddd I was really scared I thought there's a shark or something until we found out that a boy is missing and they thought he drowned... Volunteers were asked to hold hands and step into the water simultaneously forming like a net going towards the water to see if there's anybody under the water then after that some of the Lifeguards found the boy on the far end of the beach and he said that he got lost... woah then a lot of rescuers are also present even the police and child services... woahhh...

Nice job, i mean a lot of things are really different here, rules are rules no exemptions,,, The Children are well protected,, you feel safe and secured... just dial 911 and they will come to help immediately.! how I wish the government in the phil. is like here that way I don't have to go far away just to have a nice job and pay and a nice environment...

Rosedale is missing home

Hmmm life life life... yeahh.. LIFE! hahaha... e2 super bored pa rin ang life d2 sa sabi nga ni cath eh UNITED STATES OF BOREDOME hahah... well last night I wrote a blog but ayun nkatulog ako kaya d ata nasave well to update you guys...

Sometimes I'm still have moments of depression, yeah because I'm missing a lot of things already... a lot of people... I miss pusoy dos! hahaha i miss staying late @ night just staying outside the house or playing cards with the "TROPA". I have no friends here not because I am afraid to have one but there's no one to be friends with... there's a huge soccer field backdoor but i dont go outside that often...

I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE NOW! ate mhel is my instructor... I fooled her... I told her that I already know how to drive and I'm driving back home hahaha nice trick! well It worked! luckily thank God no Accidents! I just dont want to tell her that its actually my first time to drive in highways because she might change her mind... oh well! It's fun driving!

Well about jobs... So far I'm still jobless! har har... I'm not finding one since I'm reviewing.. oh well and guess what guys I GAINED 5 POUNDS for just about almost 3 weeks! my GAaaDD! hmp! The Coolatta is making me fat!

Actually, it's summer here already and it's really starting to be so hot! but im used to it that's why im not complaining of the weather and I lOve it! I love the heat of the sun!

MISSING EVERYTHING! LIFE IS LIFE!

License To Kill

well here I am in my room here in my cousin's house... Trying to read and review.. so far I dont have a job yet besides baby sitting my niece and nephew... and I stopped finding one since I need to accomplish my changed goals.. yes changed because my first plan is just going here get any kind of job support my family wait for the airforce then finish my 4years in airforce then finally be a licensed nurse.

But when I got here, everything changed... My plans and my goals. It seems that my destiny or something is leading me somewhere I dont know exactly where and why. I have a lot of questions like if this is just a test of how will I respond to changes that come my way or God is just leading me to the right path for me... It is really confusing.

I've talked to my mom about my plans and she's very supportive so I didnt have problems with her. All of the people here is forcing me to get the RN license as soon as possible but hey! I'm not prepared for that its too soon, I got really scared when they talked to me about it besides I don't have that money yet and it will take a longer time for me to wait for the license. So i decided to take the LPN exam first.. yeah Licensed Practical Nurse... and the people here (relatives) are giving me feedbacks like.. "What? why dont you take the Rn first so u will not be wasting money and besides you graduated nursing that's y you should go for the RN''. Thanks to my very supportive BF for motivating me. Love lOve!

As if everything is that easy... I need to go back to my lessons since I reviewed for the airforce just last month... Besides as much as possible I want to use my own money in taking the exam so that nobody will say that "Naku sayang lang pera ko sa pagaaksaya sa test na yan". I know I should think positive, I'm always the one whose telling my friends to be positive with everything and always look to the brighter side. Here I am scared as hell to face failures.

"I'm not Afraid to be Afraid" yeah right. Someday. I only have 2weeks or more to review for my LPN exam isn't that great?? realistic right? oh well Im a genius. GENIUS. (yeah right) Actually i dont have plans to let you guys know but hey I dont have to be scared of what might people think of me or what people might see me as a person. I am who I am and If I will fail, I will fail but that's because I did not do well and not because I dont have the guts to do it. Right?

Besides, I am still lucky. Lucky because I don't need to have problems going in or out of the US which most of my co-nurses major problem in the Philippines. Lucky because I still have few relatives who are being supportive to my plans.

There's a saying that "you can't have everything" Somethings are not that easy to get.

Thank God someone lend me a laptop.. yeah kewl! I can use it for 2months so I can peacefully review here in my room. Thanks to my Cousin's wife co-worker for lending me this laptop.

That's all so guys wish me luck to my adventures!

P.S: We are going to New York tomorrow!!!!!!! yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I am so EXCITED!

Updating

It's really difficult to be away from home especially when you need to deal with people whose trying to control everything.

A day after I got here my Aunt and cousin bought me some stuffs and a cellphone so that they can contact me or call me anytime. I was first staying at my aunt's friend, Auntie Purita. She's so nice to let me stay there. Then @ the mall, I finally got the chance to meet my half brother and he's also so nice. Then we went to the party of my Aunt's friend. I met a lot of people there and all of them know my brother and they keep on saying... "she looks like rodney".

I'm really happy to finally meet him. He's my closest connection to dad. He's really nice to me and i can feel that he's also happy to see me. He even invited us to go to their house yesterday and he cooked all of my favorite food. He was also asking me to stay with him and move in their house but I don't want to be a burden to him since I need to find a job soon and he will be obligated to bring me to work and of course fetch me.

So far, everything is still under my control... STILL. For now, someone is helping me to find a job in hospitals and I'm baby sitting my niece and nephew.

MAYBE FOREVER IS NOT FOREVER AT ALL....

I don't even know how to start this blog I just want to free some emotions that I'm feeling now... Maybe forever is not really forever. I swear if I can only tell my heart to stay deeply in love with you I'll do so but I'm just who I am... I feel what I feel... I can't control everything... I'm just asking for some time (or maybe a lot) for myself and start every dream that I have and you know that.

I know that you want to help me with everything but why not let me do things first on my own and if the time comes that fate will lead us back again then that's it. I still want that feeling back but you are not helping by posting stuffs that will make me feel guilty and I'm not telling you that you're not supposed to get hurt I know that you're hurting I Know that for sure. I just can't explain what I'm feeling. I keep on fighting this feeling from the very first day that it bugged me...

You made me so dependent to yOu that when you left me everything started to be very difficult for me then when days passed by and I got myself back and learned to live life by myself things became much easier for me. Maybe becauseI love the freedom.

You keep on telling me that I can do things I can do whatever I want but when I'm starting to do so you give me that look or the attitude of making me feel guilty that there I am going out with my friends and here you are just sitting in your apartment, nobody to talk to. What should I feel? of course I'm your girlfriend and even if you say I can go do you think I'll choose to leave you behind? You just can't let me even if you say you will.

I have my own dreams too, and I know that I should be happy because I'm every part of yours but see that's the difficult part for me because your affecting mine. I just want you to live your life first and let me live mine for once.

I love you but love is not enough to build a marriage at this early point of my life. You know that I have a big responsibility to my family and I want that to happen first. I only want to be married once.

Please be strong even just for Sean... I know you are and don't try to hurt yourself again you know I'm not worth it. Only time will tell what's going to happen which means the outcome is not in my hands neither yours.

"ginawa ko na lahat ng pagbabago" - You changed yourself for me because that's what you think is right and I'm so proud of what you've become as a person, as a boyfriend, a son and a father. You're a perfect person to love and i hate myself for hurting you... I'm sorry for claiming my happiness back and in the process of taking yours.

I was reading all my previous letters to you and it seems like it's not I who wrote those letters. I can't believe that I will see the pain in your eyes again or even hear the hurt in your voice. I just hate myself for being selfish for being this strong for being self centered for not continuously loving you for not even loving you the you way you love me.

I'm losing two persons at the same time, my best friend and my boyfriend... Please let me keep my best friend with me? I know this is all my fault. I'm the one to blame you did everything you could to make this relationship work. I feel so stupid for hurting you for being the way I am now to you. For making those tears run down to your face again for making you think that life is really unfair...

I also miss those times we had together, every moment good or bad, but reminding me of those will not help to change what I feel now. Don't be sorry for leaving and for trying to make things better for you and you're family. I'm just not the right person to love anymore.

Just let things be for now. We don't know what will happen next...