MAYBE FOREVER IS NOT FOREVER AT ALL....

I don't even know how to start this blog I just want to free some emotions that I'm feeling now... Maybe forever is not really forever. I swear if I can only tell my heart to stay deeply in love with you I'll do so but I'm just who I am... I feel what I feel... I can't control everything... I'm just asking for some time (or maybe a lot) for myself and start every dream that I have and you know that.

I know that you want to help me with everything but why not let me do things first on my own and if the time comes that fate will lead us back again then that's it. I still want that feeling back but you are not helping by posting stuffs that will make me feel guilty and I'm not telling you that you're not supposed to get hurt I know that you're hurting I Know that for sure. I just can't explain what I'm feeling. I keep on fighting this feeling from the very first day that it bugged me...

You made me so dependent to yOu that when you left me everything started to be very difficult for me then when days passed by and I got myself back and learned to live life by myself things became much easier for me. Maybe becauseI love the freedom.

You keep on telling me that I can do things I can do whatever I want but when I'm starting to do so you give me that look or the attitude of making me feel guilty that there I am going out with my friends and here you are just sitting in your apartment, nobody to talk to. What should I feel? of course I'm your girlfriend and even if you say I can go do you think I'll choose to leave you behind? You just can't let me even if you say you will.

I have my own dreams too, and I know that I should be happy because I'm every part of yours but see that's the difficult part for me because your affecting mine. I just want you to live your life first and let me live mine for once.

I love you but love is not enough to build a marriage at this early point of my life. You know that I have a big responsibility to my family and I want that to happen first. I only want to be married once.

Please be strong even just for Sean... I know you are and don't try to hurt yourself again you know I'm not worth it. Only time will tell what's going to happen which means the outcome is not in my hands neither yours.

"ginawa ko na lahat ng pagbabago" - You changed yourself for me because that's what you think is right and I'm so proud of what you've become as a person, as a boyfriend, a son and a father. You're a perfect person to love and i hate myself for hurting you... I'm sorry for claiming my happiness back and in the process of taking yours.

I was reading all my previous letters to you and it seems like it's not I who wrote those letters. I can't believe that I will see the pain in your eyes again or even hear the hurt in your voice. I just hate myself for being selfish for being this strong for being self centered for not continuously loving you for not even loving you the you way you love me.

I'm losing two persons at the same time, my best friend and my boyfriend... Please let me keep my best friend with me? I know this is all my fault. I'm the one to blame you did everything you could to make this relationship work. I feel so stupid for hurting you for being the way I am now to you. For making those tears run down to your face again for making you think that life is really unfair...

I also miss those times we had together, every moment good or bad, but reminding me of those will not help to change what I feel now. Don't be sorry for leaving and for trying to make things better for you and you're family. I'm just not the right person to love anymore.

Just let things be for now. We don't know what will happen next...