as I get older I realized...

as I get older I realize, i grew up alone. Alone in the sense that I didn't feel like I had any parents, my dad died when i was 6 and my mom wasn't always around. Plus i never get the love that most kids get from their parents, kisses, saying "i love you" or hugs. My mom is the toughest person, it's like i don't know if she's going to say I love you too when i say it. I'm always independent and left alone. I could always say things twice the third time I know I will get yelled at. I would always be left in the house while my mom would gamble. I get the beating when i did something wrong or even when i fell off the bike, i will always be scared to go home if i scraped my knee because I know what exactly my mom would say "that's what you get from playing outside!"

'

I never seen my mom yelled at my little brother the way she yells at me when i was little. It's hard not to compare. 

I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of my classmates or friends that have a strong relationships with their parents. Especially because i only had one growing up. Maybe it's my fault, maybe i could have tried harder.

This feeling got stronger when i went far away. I felt like more of a financial supporter more than a daughter or a sister. I said I would do anything for my family but how can i be so excited to talk to them when all we can talk about is money or how awful life is over there or im not sending enough because of all the bills. Damn, i have bills too and i also get sick but still go to work and push myself so i can send enough. I'm not perfect. I get tired too...

Yeah obviously they depend on me, but can I at least feel that they're trying to survive on their own too? My first 6 months here in the US i worked like a slave, i worked 12 hrs shifts then go work in a laundromat to earn extra money work from 7am to 10pm at night then to come at 6am the next day, washing other people's clothes, mopping the floor... getting yelled at by customers if one of the machines are broken. Getting sick, got kicked out basically asking a friend for a favor so i can have space to sleep. I also do sidelines like massage, sell ensemada or sell eggrolls. Things that I wouldn't imagine myself doing. I was inspired, Everything for family...

Then the lies began, i lost hope. it's like my whole world fell apart.

But what do I expect? I grew up independent. Made my own decisions.

Maybe im just bitter, or maybe i need to balance my life, between work, family, relationship and friends.

Tonight i said some terrible things to her, that i know I will never forgive myself for, but it feels like all this pain is just right here in my heart, from all those years. I think I'm a terrible daughter.

My patients will always tell me, "You're mother raised you very well. She must be very proud of you.." and there's this pinch in my heart. That I know deep inside me I don't deserve those words.

Now, after i wrote this blog i feel so much better...